Ashley

Fine Arts...

Sat, 30 Oct 2004 03:30:00 GMT

Hey i was wondering if anyone has taken a good Fine Arts Class, it can be upper or lower division...just something esay and fun...thanks!

this is the truth...

Sat, 27 Mar 2004 04:35:50 GMT

i have the best boyfriend ever....

let's take the moon and make it shine for everyone...sigh

Fri, 26 Mar 2004 06:10:14 GMT

this is what i live for. There is no other feeling like it. Tonight was the first time in a very long time that i have been content with everything. I couldnt have asked for a better moment, my best friend and i singing with all of our hearts and being, to that songs that got us by while we were apart, it was surreal in a way. Now i know why i listen to the music i do, it was like a revival of my soul...tonight i realized that it isnt worth being sad that jeff and i arent friends anymore...but to just deal with it and finally move on. Hm he actually called me today and i didnt say a word about him forgetting my birthday, i didnt even wanna get into it, its like what do i say? so we small-talked for a few mins and said our goodbyes. Don't do me favors and call because you feel like you have to, only call when you actually wanna talk to me, or maybe to wish me a happy birthday. Tonight was so special to me...the best $15 ever spent on myself...if only it could last forever.

*Don't worry I'll catch you...*

I guess this is the end....

Wed, 24 Mar 2004 18:41:13 GMT

i tried to repair it...i wanted it to work out and for it to be the same as it used to be. I knew deep down that it was too far gone for it ever be normal between us anymore. I didn't listen though. Stupid me for expecting a call on my birthday, it was that night that i finally realized that it was over, and everyday that passes since then...and i dont get a call...is just another reminder of how different things really are. If someone told me last year at this time that things would be the way they are, i would have not believed them for a second. I was so infatuated with him...he consumed me, the thought of us not being friends would bring tears to my eyes, it still does. Although i know it is over, and never to return...i can't over it...or fully move on...im hopeless.

and im talking, enough for the both of us...

Sat, 20 Mar 2004 02:57:27 GMT

It's sad when you spend friday night of springbreak home doing an essay because your boyfriend it out of town... hm, i have people i could call, but for some reason i don't feel like making that effort...what a waste of a night.

silent night remix

Thu, 25 Dec 2003 22:22:29 GMT

so lastnight at church, we are singing slient night, and jess hits me and goes didnt you make up a fake silent night? and i could not stop laughing... Silent Night (Quite Evening) Holy Night (Let's Pray) All is Calm (Smooth Sailing) All is Bright (Candelishious) 'Round young Virgin Mother and Child (Virgin Mother?) Holy Infant so Tender and Mild (Good Baby!) Sleep in Heavenly Peace, Sleep in Heavenly Peace (Goodnight!) Kayc, we are huge dorks, remember falling asleep singing that over and over again? wow, never forget it.

i've gone this far so i'll keep tryin'. continue to fight, hope that i don't end up dying

Sun, 29 Jun 2003 04:55:00 GMT

i feel betrayed. bitch.

UGH

Sun, 18 May 2003 05:59:12 GMT

do me and everyone else i know a favor and shoot me in the face.

im back

Fri, 02 May 2003 21:12:52 GMT

its been a long time since my last update.

Today was a sad day, I feel so helpless and i wanna be able to do something for her, but i know i cant. I will just be there for her to cry with and to just listen, and for michelle i know it brings back some hard stuff to deal with and i know i have to be there for her too...atleast they have eachother and they definatly know what eachother is going through. I would go crazy if i lost my dad, it makes me think about about stuff like that. I never really thought that so many people i was close to would die. I look at her mom and i think to myself, i dont want my husband to die at 50, i would be lost. im not strong person.

I want this year to end so bad and just move on to my new plans. I dont think i am going to be one of the sentimential people at graduation...i mean if i wanna see you after graduation, i will. I feel like i keep trying to trick myself, like i tell myself i know what i feel, but then those throughts creep into my head and then slap me in the face like," hah your wrong." i know im not making sense, im not trying to. as much as i joke about feeling led on, i do kinda feel led on, but it isnt he fault AT ALL. i know its me seeing his actions how i want them to be. i did something drastic to my hair, i guess i felt like i needed a change. right now i feel lucky that i have a daddy. i love him.

Tue, 01 Apr 2003 01:19:58 GMT

So....im 1/2 way done with it... i realize after friday my brain is going to shut down. This is like the last real assignment i am going to do during highschool and i cannot wait to turn it in. Im really happy with how stuff is going now...but who knows when that will change. Im so glad hes given up on her, i knew it wasnt going to work out but that was something he had to realize.
Does he not realize that when i never call him that means i dont wanna talk to him, and when he does call me and i give him 1 word answers that maybe he shouldnt call me anymore...and by insulting me it doesnt make me wanna hangout with him or "want him more"...freak. By you refusing to talk to me makes me realize how much i dont need our friendship and how unhappy i was with being your friend. I felt like i was that one person who was a real friend to you and i tried to be there for you, but now i am sick of all your crap and drama. So many people told me to not be firends with you and asked why i still hungout with you and now i know what they were talking about, i never could stand your fakeness and now i have the guts to call you on it. I have real friends who care for me and are fun to be around and dont lie to me to make themselves look cool like people used to in elementary school...accept yourself for who you are or else no one ever will.
I realized this morning that i hate walking into school...its not because im going to school but because of the actual walking that i do. You see i have a late start so i usually find myself walking from the lower parking lot and meeting up with some person that i know, but not well enough to carry on a long enough convo with all the way up the staris and into school, or someone that i used to know very well and now barely talk to so it would be awarkward to spend that much time talking to them....so instead of having to make contact with those people i either speed up walking to leave them behind me or slow my pace in order to stay behind them, but there are those times when i am forced to participate in awarkward conversations...and i hate it. I more or less spent most of yesterday feeling sorry for myself and all mixed up but now im glad that im over it, i guess i just have to do that like one every few weeks...so yeah back to my paper...

just alittle livid

Sat, 29 Mar 2003 01:44:42 GMT

so i was so excited and then i come home today and my mom told me to booked a cruise in aug. the exact same time that i was planning on going to canada with jeff. And my mom knew thats when we were gonna go too. So whatever, that really stinks.

"Your brother said I call you all the time and say weird things to you..." -Brian Plunkett

Wed, 26 Mar 2003 04:50:06 GMT

all the crap i put up with is so ridiculous...

Once again i have another english 102 paper dangling over my head until next week...i cant seem to get started...hm 10 pages is a good amount of work.

Gosh i cant wait until July 28th....the day Leah moves back, i have been waiting for so long for her to call AZ home again, now theres so hope.

I know how lynn feels when not being able to breath at the thought of not having someone in your daily life....i mean its not like its been since kindergarten or anything but ive grown so much without leah here, and have given other friendships a chance. I mean i wouldnt be able to function without jeff. He means the world to me. Just knowing he cares so much makes me feel as if all the time we have invested in our friendship was worth it. I dont know anyone else who has a friendship like ours and i wouldnt trade anything for it. Im glad im moving on with him by my side.

So as for being a leader...im suppose to use this week to think about if i wanna do it or not, but i have already made up my mind, i cant right now. I mean its too much to do my 1st year of college.

Hopefully tomorrow night ill get a boyfriend, yesssss. (cross fingers)...just one thats not all emo and weird on me, i havent had the best luck.

is your heart still mine, i wanna cry sometimes....

Thu, 20 Mar 2003 20:30:18 GMT

Tomorrow is another milestone in my life...i have nothing planned tho. i cant believe he doesnt know how i feel...he says he knows me so well, i guess its the me i want him to know.

i feel like i totally messed everything up with him, he wont even call me anymore. Its not like i wanted him as my boyfriend either, just the fact that he wont call...i wanna be friends with him, i really didnt think i was that big of a jerk.

i feel like i am a better friend to people than how they are to me. I always try and make sure that people are okay and if there is anyway i can help them i go out of my way to do so, and i dont mind i love helping people and giving myself. And its only a matter of time that feeling unappreciated gets to you, but i will still continue to help people because its what i do.

I can just see the changes that are going to happen in the next few months. its crazy. Im kinda scared, kinda excited...kinda alittle of everything. I hope ill make some new good friends, and become friends again with some people i lost touch with. 2 months left of the life i know...then it will change majorly.

i love my new house, its alot smaller...but my parents dont need anymore than this. and im moving out soon so yeah...ill deal until i move into a place SMALLER than this...

I got the offer to be a freahman girls leader next year in my church's youth group, that may be cool...i remember my leaders when i was a frosh and how they just started college and i thought they were cool.

i dont see how i can still feel this way after so long, i guess it is the fact that i have never really had a good reason to feel different.---but why dont you feel the same?---

Lord please be with our President and our troops....

i just drank a whole Fuzzie Peach, i have never done that before!

for always...

Mon, 03 Mar 2003 05:27:48 GMT

So yeah---

Its a new month, and i love it. Less than 3 weeks til im 18, and i can get my nose pierced. yay! Hm...lets see if it happens tho. So after going house hunting on friday with Kate Wilder (we are gonna live in a younglife house) it made me realize how realistic moving out of my house really is. I think about 6 months ago and how i was planning to go to homecoming with evan, now i think of what the next 6 months hold....graduation...summer...starting college and pretty much a new life that i am taking a few friends with. Im excited to move out...i mean i will just be far away enough from my house. So i dont know whats up with leah and what her plans are, and i realized i cant make my plans around her because she sure as heck isnt basing her plans on me, not that i want her too but i cant base my future on her being indecisive. So i told her to live in a younglife house in tempe with me...i dont know what she thinks tho. i feel very optimistic right now and am excited to see what the future brings...its weird i took apart my room today....i had an entire wall full of pictures and i took them all down and threw them away..and i had my clothesline, i threw that way too. pretty much all i kept for storage was my yr books some childhood pictures and awards. Other than that it was thrown away...besides the few picture frames i am putting in my new room in my new house. i got rid of so many clothes too...i figured my new closet is smaller and in 4 months im moving out and my closet will definatly be smaller than. i feel like im starting a new life soon, or getting rid of an old one. Or maybe just growing up, nah. Who knows, whatever it is tho i like it.

all i really wanna say, is your the reason i wanna stay

Mon, 24 Feb 2003 03:12:11 GMT

So yeah...today was not eventful at all. woke up to find blakeney on my floor, i forgot she was there. and then went to church, got some food afterwards and went by my and leah's house to drop off a bunch of stuff i got for her...her dad is in town and was gonna give it to her. then i came home. and ive been home ever since. well there was that time when erik and jess came over with their new car to show me and we went for a spin. But yeh thats about it. I was suppose to work on stuff for my college class with jeff but he never called back, so yeah he doesnt have a book...hes screwed but its not my fault. We kinda got in alittle bit of a fight friday night, actually i was flaming pissed...but yeah he apoligized so whatever, its been kinda weird since, like the awarkward after fight thing ya know? I hate how all over the place he is, i can never count on him...and having him as a bestfriend doesnt really work. GOSH i need leah here so badly. its quite sad how i talk myself into needing her soooo bad like i always think, if leah were here, everything would be ok! but maybe it really would. i hope she enjoys the Spin i got her, with chris on the front and it came with a poster...so she better love me for it! Fricken i dont even know, someone just called me and told me he couldnt do homework...but if he could use my book tomorrow, so i said sure. Well yeah---didnt really talk to him all weekend and thats all he wanted to say to me, great 5 min conversation that was stopped because he was outside of pauls house. ash pretty much=pissed. oh well i know ill be over it tomorrow, cause thats just how i am. I totally know what kar means when she says she hates how she changes her feeling about people every 5 mins. thats me! maybe you would call me circumstancial...if thats how you spell it. and my circumstances are never the same, so im never feeling the same. ahhh. so yeh i still havent done any work on my english 102 paper, yesss gonna fail the class and in turn not graduate!!!!!

being sick is no fun at all...

Fri, 21 Feb 2003 05:12:06 GMT

so after being stuck inside all day because im sick...i figured i needed to vent alittle. First off i love reading lynn's entries...i dont know why but she is just so real. I wish i was able to know myself that well...cause i really end up screwing myself over most of the time because i dont even know what i want so how is like a guy or even my friends suppose to know? So i keep on procrastinating this report i have to do for english 102...i really should be working on it but i just have no idea where to start, so until i do i wont get anything done. Maybe an outline would help...hm what else. In my sociology class we discussed the question of wether or not girls and guys can be just friends without one wanting more...for the longest time i thought it was possible, but now im not so sure...i mean im a living example that it isnt possible. As for Brian, i have no idea what the heck im getting myself into...i bet i wont be able to go out this weekend either, it sucks. DAMN IT- i hate myself sometimes. and how i have to talk myself out of my feelings for people and talk myself into something else. Is it denile if you admit it to yourself and just not to anyone else? will i ever be able to feel anything for someone other than him??? " why cant i feel anything for, anyone other than you?" *amazing* song = my life. im sure i will write more later taking i cant leave my house...and i wont wanna do my paper...
ps- i wish leah was here.

"tears fall, down your face. the taste, is something new. something that i know."

Thu, 13 Feb 2003 05:21:32 GMT

i hate when im not happy...and there is nothing you, yourself can do to make yourself feel better, like when you base your happiness on someone else...so all you can do is just sit there and wait for the feeling to pass...or sleep it off...now thats a good idea...

p.s....

Tue, 04 Feb 2003 05:34:05 GMT

ps- BLAKENEY HAS HOTTTTTT HAIR!!!!!!!!!

am i the only one that hears the tears run down my face, would anyone recognize at all?

Tue, 04 Feb 2003 05:24:39 GMT

So i havent done this in qutie some time...i miss my journal! So i got my haircut today, nothing too drastic...just a trim and a few more layers, i feel special when i cut my hair. So sarah has influenced me to think more seriously about my tatoo and finally decide what i am going to get. So yeah this whole situation with a certain younglife leader has really taken up some of my time, and if im not with him, im thinking about him. Its weird because i have never been in a situation like this before, but i like it. Im just scared of how serious it is going to get, but i guess you cant really plan stuff like that out. I mean dont get me wrong i would love a serious boyfriend, but im also still SO young. Who knows. Im happy with how stuff is right now, its funny i write this tonight...then something will happen tomorrow and i will read this tomorrow night and be all what, im not happy right now? that tends to happen alot. But yeh i can talk to kate now and not get all upset...which puts me at ease about alot of stuff. and i love my friends...they make me feel loved...most of the time. Sadie was fun, im glad i went...it was a fun experience, lol and so were the after-parties, wahoo! lol. right. So im off to tucson this weekend with all the girls in family...some girl bonding then im getting my senior pictures done and stuff...i gotta figure out what the heck im wearing. I so tired, i think im off to bed...night.

"i love it when you thug me baby..."

Tue, 28 Jan 2003 00:47:39 GMT

Well stuff certainly has been interesting lately...i like the way stuff is right now. Family crap seems to be attempting to get better....people that need help are going to get it, which puts my mind at ease. And i found someone that likes me for me, and i like him, what more can i ask for? Although nothing can happen until may, im content with how stuff is now and look forward to what will happen in these next few months. GRADUATION IS IN 17 weeks....wow. whos counting? oh yes and MAD props to lynnie and her photos...i love em, keep them coming!!!

This town was cool for one night...

Mon, 20 Jan 2003 04:00:50 GMT

well... this is definatly a time to reflect. So much crap has been going on...well it seems like it, but i mostly think its just happening in my head. Kaycie's last post really got me thinking...and ive been spending alot of time by myself so i think about alot of stuff, which could be a bad thing. oh well.
I realize Christianity is the thing for me, and having faith is good, its just the whole church thing...and im working on it, this new church i go to seems nice...its alot smaller and you dont get lost in the crowd...talking about church, i went to lunch with a certain someone after church, (hint: B*e** U**er)i felt like a huge dork, cause i can barely talk to him. then i hungout at jeffs for alittle bit than walked around the mall by myself...met up with court and sel for coffee...then we went and met jeff and andy and smoked some cigars...fun stuff. I came home and chilled i was going to go out but my parents pulled all this crap so im stuck staying in, when we dont have school tomorrow...major suckage. but im dealing.
So i found out this kid i was kinda interested in thinks im "very attractive" :) and he said that im the type of girl that is "his type", whatever that means...i dunno if anything will actually happen tho, i kinda screw myself over when it comes to stuff like this...then i dwell on it for way too long.
Its so ironic how stuff and people can change so fast, its like just when you think you got everything figured out and you are content with how stuff is, it goes and changes and you have to adjust all over again...stupid cycle. i am so excited to see the stereo on saturday, ive been waiting awhile for this, i hope im not setting myself up for disappointment...i tend to do that.
Well im starting to adjust to how stuff is right now, but im careful to not get too comfortable...who knows that the next few weeks hold. FRICKEN, i dont even know, i want leah to come visit so bad!!!!! it hurts...

everything ive known...is fading away

Tue, 14 Jan 2003 03:27:48 GMT

well it makes me sad to know everyone is upset....i know how you feel tho. and i care, but its hard for me to show it most of the time, i just keep to myself. i dunno...i wish i was more outgoing, oh well. i guess i cant show people i care, because 1/2 the time i dont really care about myself, im such a doormatt, but ive come to accept that, id rather be a doormatt then be too hard. ive done alot of thinking lately...i dont think Christianity is right for me, that might be a bold statement, and its not that i dont believe in God, or in Jesus and the fact that he is the son of God and died for me sins, i totally still believe all that, but all the stuff they talk about in church, i dunno...its too hard...maybe its i just dont care anymore. i go to church hoping something amazing will happen and i will be as happy with myself and how things are as i was a few years ago, but it never happens, its like i go to church for social reasons because i dont get anything out of it...maybe its just a stage im in, who knows? i just pray ill come around someday. Christianity just doesnt do anything for me, they say your suppose to be full and joyful....im empty and sad...so yeah...who knows. maybe you dont understand? ok well hope i didnt freak anyone out...

and it took bites, out of her insides, until she was just a hallow shell....

Thu, 09 Jan 2003 05:39:43 GMT

Hm well not much has happened since lastnight...i came home from school and did nothing. whatelse, went to church tonight and hungout with brett upper (thats right) lol hes so much hotter now...id hit that...liek i ever could :/ oh well...then went to starbucks and hungout with some people i havent for awhile...which was nice. Ok so i have decided something...i am a pretty uptight person, and i dont have any reason to be. I hate it, i mean im not so much anymore since i have noticed this about myself...like i think i took the morals i have and kinda make a box out of them, and who ever didnt fit into that box, i would kinda get weird around. What do i care what other people do? i mean yeah my friends, i dont wanna see them hurting themselves, and i would totally help them anytime, but honestly...im sick of being so uptight. within this past month there has been so much stuff going on that it just seems pointless... and uptight people are no fun to be around. Sorry to anyone who has felt awarkward around me cause of my uptightness...wait am i even making sense? i hope so. So yeh recently i have just been realizing when i am in situations i react differently, like tonight at starbucks, one of my friend pulls out the weed she just bought, and i normally would have found myself get all weird and kinda quite or something just cause i dont do that, but tonight it was totally normal and i was just like how much did it cost? Hm then i think to myself, am i like lowing my standards...and i really dont think i am, but who cares if i am, if i am, i want to, so whatever. so yeah ashley is kinda different now, but in a good better way, i think. so yeah...Dumb as Einstein show on saturday, come if you wanna...call me if you want more info? sweet peace

i've gone this far so i'll keep tryin'. continue to fight, hope that i don't end up dying

Wed, 08 Jan 2003 04:31:35 GMT

Well well well...

Starting school again was interesting. Its nice to not have a 1st period = an extra hour of sleep...always good. And manda is in my 2nd period, its gonna be crazy. But going back to school i have realized how much shit people talk...whats the deal with that? you say you like hate someone, but have no legit reason to...some people piss me off. I went to lunch today with jenny and jeff...it was nice and we kinda vented on eachother, jenny is good for that. hm so what else? im trying to grow my finger nails out, not gonna happen...im too impacient for that. well now zach is asking me why i didnt call him on sunday when i said i would, ok...i dont have your number and havent talked to you in years...but its fine. So yeah im quite excited that i dont have to work tomorrow night, that means i can come home and sleep after school :) Well i still have hwk i need to attend to...maybe you should do the same.

All the things i do in a day, you think i'd get there....

Sun, 05 Jan 2003 19:57:00 GMT

well...this weekend all in all was pretty ok. I mean it feels good to know people still care. And i am ALL ABOUT playing cards with the 4 of us again...

i think right now its just a really hard time in my life, and im hoping and praying things will turn out ok and i will be fine. I always think optimisic like that, and stuff for the most part usually does turn out ok but for some reason i feel like this time is different. Stuff at home isnt all that great, i sometimes find myself not wanting to come home, and i have never felt like that before. I guess you could say im scared too. I dunno for some reason i think that by starting school again, it will help me because things will some how return to what was normal...but deep down i know it wont be how it was a month ago. I have lost 5 friends that were very dear to me, eachone for a different reason, these were the people i spent every moment with this summer. But i will be fine, i can move on...or attempt to right now. It felt so good to just sit at sarahs house lastnight...and be random, forget about how i feel rejected, even if people arent purposely rejecting me, i feel as if they are. I guess i simply cant rely on people too much...and thats hard for me not to do...but i will be a better person if i dont...right? Lynn i guess im also dealing with change. Change is a bitch...not a big fan. ok well im gonna be going, i garentee ill write later...i have nothing else to do.

Ashley

Fine Arts...

this is the truth...

let's take the moon and make it shine for everyone...*sigh*

I guess this is the end....

and im talking, enough for the both of us...

silent night remix

i've gone this far so i'll keep tryin'. continue to fight, hope that i don't end up dying

UGH

im back

just alittle livid

"Your brother said I call you all the time and say weird things to you..." -Brian Plunkett

is your heart still mine, i wanna cry sometimes....

for always...

all i really wanna say, is your the reason i wanna stay

being sick is no fun at all...

"tears fall, down your face. the taste, is something new. something that i know."

p.s....

am i the only one that hears the tears run down my face, would anyone recognize at all?

"i love it when you thug me baby..."

This town was cool for one night...

everything ive known...is fading away

and it took bites, out of her insides, until she was just a hallow shell....

i've gone this far so i'll keep tryin'. continue to fight, hope that i don't end up dying

All the things i do in a day, you think i'd get there....

let's take the moon and make it shine for everyone...sigh